Who has seen that matatu with DSTV? ….yeah there is a ma3 plying the Eastland’s route (read Buru) with fully installed DSTV. From having a small screen per seat to having big LCD screens at the rear facing outside (‘Hater Vision Screens’) to create public attention and now DSTV…. Talk about taking pimping to another level! I have even heard that some have fridges inside! Only God knows what stunt they will pull next.

Truth be told, when in the hood idling over weekends and need to get town for nothing urgent, I can wait for a long duration of time until a matatu I like comes. The said matatus though have their shortcomings, one of them being overloading. What happens is that the makanga will say “Wanne wa haraka tao twende”. You will be surprised once you are inside because the thing is full, or chrome as they call it. After a distance of less than 100 metres, one of the very many conductors (nowadays they do not have uniforms) will charge you before you decide to alight at the next bus stop. Of course there those men who enjoy the scenario especially where there are many potholes and bumps and standing right in front is a bootifull woman! BTW is this sexual harassment?… I don know. We all know that the famous ‘michuki rules’ no longer work so the mathree will get to town ‘unnoticed’ by the several traffic cops despite having literally broken all the traffic rules in the traffic act from overlapping to God knows what.

Apart from those that constantly overload and those that play bogus music, a ride to town on a nice one is a great experience. Am yet to have a ride on the DSTV one as its always full chrome , but am told that its DSTV works OK… Infact its body is well decorated and the dish is painted its body’s color so you actually can mistake the dish for a ‘spoiler’.

AOB

Hawkers are back or rather; they keep coming and disappearing (after running battles of course with the police as the media puts it) in our streets since the former City Clerks term expired. I can bet on anything that if they are contained now the next time we will have them is a few months to the next general election….some things will never change, that’s why this is Kenya! Why buy from a mall when you can get the same in the streets for very much less?

Enjoy yourselves blogthren!

Now that he is no longer with us, I will do a post about him. Sio kumsengenya, ah ah, not at all…its only that he is one of the few people whose survival tactics here in Nairobi are one of a kind.

Am talking about one of the craziest guys I’ve ever met, lets call him Ken*.This guy happened to be my colleague and a friend (he still is) where I work for the past like one year or so.

The first time we met, he came across as a very respectable young man, in fact we got along well until I learnt who he really was. The guy was and is still a con, and a professional one at that. Despite knowing who he really was he swindled me, yaani alinigonga. How I fell to his trap to date still puzzles me…. And the way am so sure of myself. After it dawned on me that I had fell victim to him, i just kept it to myself since i had made fun of my colleagues who had been there before me!

He got along with everyone, I bet it must have been his gift of gab which he utilized very well. He could talk for hours on end and his stories would never bore you, but at the end, you would end up parting with something- even if it were a hundred bob. I have never known to date how he knew what amuses someone because his stories concentrated around your areas of interest. I am yet to meet someone who knows so much from international politics, investments, to anything – you name it. Did I say he knew the holy book though he never attended any church? Mid conversation, he would chomoa a verse and a conc one at that (you know those ones that you have never heard) to hammer his point home.

Then the guy had papers, I mean his CV was stunning! I am sure he will not tarmac for long despite the recession that everyone keeps talking about. My guy has a problem though, – Debts. He has a loan with every other banks and every shylock in town knows him. Every end month our reception would be swarmed by disgruntled people especially shylocks who apparently expected to get paid by my good friend and how he convinced them that things had not worked out as expected baffles me.

The guy had 5 cheque books for the same account….and most his time was spent calling his bank to stop a cheque and at the same time issuing another one to someone else….. His debts tempted him in the company’s kitty and that how he was fired. Upon his forced retirement, his brother who happens to be someone senior in the military had offered to clear his debt until he saw the amount! I have met crazy people but this one…. He is one of a kind, and Ken* I wish you all the best.

Thank you. Thank you very much Mr. Gream for the award! I must say that has been a long time since I received an award. The last one being when I won a competition that involved eating a full loaf with a 500ml soda in record time back then in those school fun days….and now this.

** wild cheers***

Good people don’t stand up, just stay seated… I really appreciate… thank you.

**the cheers subside**

Now to serious business.

1. I have never been tagged, neither have I ever tagged anyone! This is the first time am doing it.

2. I have never met any blogger! In my real world nobody knows that I blog. I always get the temptation to know personally some bloggers. I must say some characters are crazy from the contents in their blogs! May be in future I will meet some of you.

3. My dad passed away when I was 17 my sisters were 14 and 13 respectively, my youngest bro was only 10. We all thought that the whole world would come crumbling down especially coz mom was not that well off financially. How she managed to educate us all to university level still amazes me! She went to extremes that she disclosed recently that had the 4 us shocked. I can kill for my mom and I almost did it once. Nobody messes with her!

4. I hate documentaries with the exception of those done by National Geographic and Animal Planet. I have a thing for wild animals. Apart from football and MTV and Channel 0, the only other thing can keep me glued on TV is Nat Geo, Animal Planet e.t.c. I will have to get nice dog and a cat as a pet soon.

5. I live below my means. I can afford to live an affluence neighborhood but simply wont. All my friends live large and criticize me, they think am a miser. I just like keeping it simple; I have severally attempted to live a classy life and every time I always found myself getting to my old lifestyle.

6. I like ‘measuring’ people – kupimanisha mtu to find out how much they know especially if I intend to get into business with them. E.g. if you are intend to sell something to me (say a car, piece of land e.t.c) and then I realize you know less or nothing about what you want to sell, am done with you – I like people who know what they are doing.

7. I like booty. Booty is booty, whether fist sized or this big *stretches both hands wide*.

8. I do not like those so-called independent women who think lowly of men. The other group that got in a bad relationship(s) previously and tend to think that all men are like their former spouses also bore me!

9. I speak a lot of sheng (mixture of English, Kiswahili and any other local language). Yaani hata ofisi wasee hushangaa! Siezangi kubonga ngoso unless in a meeting ama nakatia customer aingie bosk. Not that I cannot flow in English… some chiq I was trying to katia thought I was a dada in English and started wenging! Niliangusha mistari na Ngoso ina mavocab mwenda na accent ya ulami akashangaa!

10. I like listening to music asleep. I put on my stereo before I go to bed, if a really nice song I like plays at night, it will be in my mind for the rest of the following day.

Rules
I would wish to extend the award to the below with the following instructions.
1.You must brag about the award – done
2.You must include the name of the blogger who bestowed the award on you and link back to the blogger – done
3.You must choose a minimum of seven (7) blogs that you find brilliant in content or design. –I have looked everywhere and seems like everyone has been tagged.
4.Show their names and links and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with Honest Weblog – see above
5.List at least ten (10) honest things about yourself. Then pass it on with the instructions! – done

‘whis junior’ this guy bana..he cracks me up,

kd* i wouldnt mind knowing anythin ’bout you.

boyfulani the boy can write

madam architect another favourite.

campus girl proud owner of a N95…i hope that thing will last long

mzee bomseh SA kuko aje?

i know you guys were tagged elsewhere, but you’ve taken long to so long comply..

Watching prime time news has never pre –occupied me – especially because most of it is the usual political crap that can nauseate you, but yesterday a particular story that was in the headlines struck me. I had never thought of the extremes that some people could go in the name of protesting the poor leadership in this country.

Apparently, some enraged women activists from some organizations (read FIDA, Maendeleo ya Wanawake, Creaw. e.t.c.) are calling on all Kenyan women to boycott sex for one week! Their reason – the government and some politicians (read Kibaki and Raila) have failed to deliver…. You should have heard the thunderous pearls of laughter as I rolled on my couch gasping for breath – at one point; I tried to rewind the TV to re watch that folly! Interestingly, Ida (PM’s wife) and Lucy (president’s wife) are in full support! They also want their husbands to multiply and fill the earth.…

The also clarified that the red light district (read K Street and other establishments offering similar services) women would participate in the boycott! Me doubts that K Street will close for one week – in any case should there be such a boycott, it should boost their business! I wonder whether petroleum jellies, margarines and\or anything that can aid in strangling chickens ever cost the same again.

Why should the daily regular supply of strokes supplied to all lucky married men in this country be interrupted (like KPLC often interrupts power supply) because of some political issues? Then its bila notice! At least KPLC does a1 week notice in the dailies to the affected regions. The boycott should only affect the PM and the president; they are the only men who everyone expects to deliver (as if they were expectant) and they have failed!

AOB

I am glad I have never sagged – at least what I put on fits perfectly well! Some surveys done in India shows condoms are too large for majority of men! I pity their women!

So am walking along Tom Mboya, minding my own business as usual, thinking how I’ll lay that eastlando chiq I’ve just pushed to pick up a Nissan Hiace Matatu.(namba 58 to be precise). Since it is a weekday and I miraculously somehow have cash, why cant’ I just pay those damn Kenya Power guys? – it’s been quite sometime since they heard from me – and again my account is overdue or so they had indicated in the previous bill! I think to myself. Now am just near Posta Tom Mboya. I don’t like making abrupt about turns, instead I stop and pretend to window shop for a phone (like many idlers colleagues) – I see a Nokia N95 – its damn cheap (8K ni cheap na venye ina features kibao kama yule manzi nimetoka kupush!!, ) On a closer look, I discover that its one of those fake ones from China. (yaani its Nokla – they have just remove the (i) and replaced it with (l)). I pity the guy who is busy bargaining – hii ni Nairobi acha agongwe apate kichwa I think to myself as I now start heading back to where I came from..

Fast forward – just near Odeon Cinema, I cross to where Mat number 34 – (that stretch with those Mats to highridge, agha khan, umo, buru e.t.c ) are usually picked so that I cross to the other side of the street. Then wonders of wonders, bullshiet of shiets happens! Mwizi, mwizi! Ngai fafa – that one must have been robbed loads of cash! I say to myself aloud. I turn around to see wtf is going on. A woman is in her heels towards my direction! No, no whoever the thief is didn’t come this way I almost shout. Then before I know it, a push, the push becomes a shove…. Right before me lies a handbag without one strap; the woman is holding the remaining strap! She is accompanied at least three other persons! It dawns on me that am the alleged thief and they are after my a$$. The last handbag I touched and stole any money was my moms back when I had just completed Form 4 and needed to veveka miraa and some cigarettes. Things can happen fast this side of the world – I try to think but am blank. A man pushes me towards a path between two parked matatus and tries to get in to my pocket.

I push him hard and he stumbles – nearly falling. The woman starts bluffing something to the effect that I bribe her or she calls the public! Kumbe it’s a set up! The general public seems less interested – I dare her and push her hard. She staggers towards her ‘stolen’ bag and picks it and disappears! Her colleagues follow suit – probably in search of their next ‘customer’. I sigh, say some fcuks, then Kajwang (aaaaaai yawa) and am off to my business!

Please beware – ukiona wao kaa ngumu kama Gumo! They will give up and disappear.

Any other Business

If you have worked around Upperhill or anywhere near KNH, you most definitely have had the pleasure of visiting Pronto – some mabati and wooden structures that serve very affordable meals. Over the weekend, some city kanjo askaris flattened the whole place like they did to Nakumatt Thika Rd! This was the only place I could get githeri, chapati, madodo, ndengu, wet beef fry, chemsa, boilo, ugali, fiss(like my boy Oti calls it), rice, mukimo, mix(of anything) and any other indigenous food. Now it is gone! Where else do they want us to go – Visa place, Upperhill Springs or Shobeen? Never – I have always liked Mabati establishments, they are so pocket friendly esp during this hard times!

Why ?

Why is life so unfair?

Why do the richer get richer as the poor continue to get poorer?

Why is it so hard to get baked chumed jobs without knowing someone who knows the sonko?

Why is my money never enough?

Why do we want what we cant have?

Why do the ones who work more get less pay and vice versa?

Why do the mungiki behead innocents?

Why do police use live bullets to kill the outlawed sect? – Two wrongs do not make a right.

Why don’t the so-called human rights activist payuka when police officers are killed in their line of duty?

Why isn’t there any cure for aids? Why is it taking long to get one?

Why couldn’t aids come during either previous generations or the ones to come? Why during my generation?

Why do people still go ‘nyama kwa nyama’?

Why do the good people die so young?

Why did E-Sir, Krupt, Poxi, die so young?

Why did they assassinate tupac, biggie, Mboya, JM, Ouko, Muliro and Dr. Mbai among others?

Why did Obama hit so hard than any artist ever did?

Why can’t Mugabe resign?

Why did they rig the elections?

Why would anyone be so stupid to kill you because of your ethnicity?

Why would you be stupid enough to contemplate revenge?

Why will there be violence after 2012 electios? Tell me…Why?

Why will they form another fcked up post election violence commission of inquiry come 2012? WTF… seriously what for and why??

Why won’t the reports our by our fcuked commissions ever be implemented?

Why would anyone ‘eat’ all the maize at ncpb knowing too well that there is famine?

Why would anyone sell relief food yet people are dying of hunger?

Why did they drop charges on triton even after he ‘drank’ oil worth more than 7Billion?

Why is there no justice for the poor?

Why does power corrupt?

Why do we elect the same stupid fools every five years?

Why do people still want to loot petrol from an overturned tanker days after what happened in Molo?

Why don’t people ever learn from the past?

Why is there a scapegoat for all the shiet happening?

Why won’t they legalize weed?

Why isn’t alcohol the 2nd best invention after the wheel?

Why this dry spell…..weather-wise, money-wise and more so stroke-wise?

Why do all the chiqs I really like adore love play so hard to get?

Why do people fall in love with the wrong people?

Why do people still physically abuse their spouses…esp. in this day and age?

Why are some people lesbians gay not straight…?

Why do I feel awkward guilty after a clandestine moment?

Why won’t rapists rather strangle chickens instead of being so inhuman?

Why won’t they let me in the office in jeans and a t-shirt any day of the week?

Why are you reading this shiet?

Why did I do this post?

On my playlist

Why by Jadakiss (feat. Anthony Hamilton)

Why (Remix) by Jadakiss (featuring Common, Nas, Styles P & Anthony Hamilton)

Feel free to ask your why?’s.

*phew*

January is finally gone! With it went many lives courtesy of Nakumatt and Tanker huko Molo. The former had me shocked than the latter. Imagine you are on your way home on an afternoon and all of a sudden, you have a craving for an ice cream or a soda. You decide to hop in a supermarket, once inside an explosion –and the supermarket transforms to a crematorium, the next thing, you are incinerated to ashes! The Molo tragedy was different. Blame it poverty or what not – it should not have happened. January also went with GTV. WTF, how do they close shop without a notice? DSTV had better get all those damn rights soon! January also disappeared with a “talk for less” promo by sufferincon that has me thinking its time I vukad!

Well, now February is here. Many are eagerly waiting for its 14th Day to celebrate one useless ‘holiday’ that has never made sense at all to me. I have my reasons why I do not engage in the celebrations. Everything will be red! I have had a phobia for putting on anything red since I was a small kid. A phobia instilled by my colleagues then – that lighting could easily strike me and to date I still believe that! However, that is besides the point… Why should anyone allocate a day for expressing feelings be it romantic for your mom or dad? Isn’t love a feeling to express throughout the year? If you are seriously in love, you do not need this day to spend hefty amounts on flowers and expensive cards.

AOB

If you were born on a February 29, when would you be celebrating your birthday? March 01st or 28 Feb? Do you turn a year older after 4 years? I have a teenage girl cousin who has been pestering me every February and have no idea what to say to her.

Nimedecide leo kudo vitu vidifferent asapa leo, yaani, nitado hii post kama vile boyfulani hu do matime fulani na pure sheng. So kaa chini, seti ile kitu we hutumia nikuchapie rysto fulani ya maisha yangu, lakini enyewe jo itakuwa ngumu kuelewa hii lugha especially kama “hujasoma”.

So nimekuwa mtaani throughout ma holiday na wasee wangu wa power, for once nikadecide nitaumia ocha vako. Nikiwa mtaani nikadecide nipitie wasee wa ghetto flani tushaigongana hapo tene nikiwa hustler. Hawa wasee walifanya nikarealize enyewe vile sir God amenitoa farthest.

Kama unajua South B poa, kuna hio kijiji imeanzia hio rotejo ya Estate ya Hazina, wasee ka wote wanachapa job industrial area wanaishi hapo. Mazee niliishi hapo kwa kakibanda fulani mi hukumbuka naskia kulia (for real). Maisha ilikuwa ni noma! Yaani ilikuwa hata zaidi ya noma. Hii ilikuwa afta nishamada campo na sikuwa na hata mkwaja ya kunisustain. Nika hustle nikaget ka internship, nikaingia Githu 45 ka single ka thou na punch. Huko sasa maisha ikanilemea lakini si kama b4, si kugive up. After kitu month ka tano ivi, nikaingia zimmer ka 1 bedroom ka tenga nne. Mahaters fulani wakaingiza chuki wakataka kunifagia/kunichapia kila kitu nikiwa maji siku moja. Ilikiwa niwapeleke wachukue kila kitu kwa kenja waniache ka niko kirai. Nikakumbuka venye maisha ilikuwa imenilemea before, vile niliteseka ndio nibuy hizo burus niliwanga nazo kidogo. Nikashika nare, ng’ang’o ikushuka, nikawaambia kifo ni moja, wacha kanuke! Na kakanuka ivo tu kimchezo, nikapokea maleft,maright na pia njumu kadhaa, pia wao walipokea zangu kiasi, bahati hakuna alikuwa na mchuma….otherwise wangeniondoa. Wangenionesha mchuma tu ivi, ningeingiza njeve nisare nitoke riadha kuliko bolt….weeee risasi sio ndengu!! The next day nikahamia sasa hii place naishi. Mtaa yenyewe iko fiti na secure lakini ni expe kiasi…..si complain lakini.

Enyewe sir God amenisaidia nikauma mbuku vifiti nikawai janta nikaeza toka ghetto place nilikuwa nikifukuza mamboch nikaingia mtaa mi hudeal na wasuper wa power – yaani vitu zimesimama. Pia akanisaidia nikaachana na chwara zingine ziliwanga kali sana, ng’ang’o siku hizi ni bia yaani mututhikaa, na pia najua siku moja nitaisare. Pia akanisaidia nikaacha kuseti majani….hii iliwanga mezesh especially nikiwa ghetto lakini karao hakuwahi niwai. Nikaseti ngare for sometime lakini pia hio nayo nikasare. Mi humshukuru sana jo juu ya vitu mob.

Nimepitia mengi (sio haya nimechora hapa pekee), ndo’ maana saa ingine utaniona nimenyamaza sitaki stori nikireminisce mahali nimetoka. Miaka inapita lakini kama vile Chiwawa huroga nitapita nayo, haitapita na mimi kama before. So mtu wangu ukiwa peke yako majioni ivi, b4 ujiekelee, reminisce kiasi na ushukuru Sir God kwa yote umepitia na pia kukufikisha mahali uko saa ii.

On my playlist

Nimetoka mbali: Nonini
My Life: The Game feat Lil Wayne.

I came across something…

Did you know that the chairperson of MOA (Media Owners Association), the Chief Executive Officer of the giant Nation Media Group who also serves as a non-executive director of Equity Bank Ltd, Afrika Investment Bank and Federation of Kenya Employers – Mr. Linus Gitahi blogs? Yeah, he is a blogger. Like you. Check this link, and he has a personal site.

For a person with so many titles, so many responsibilities, and am sure a very tight schedule I found it interesting. From the look of things (his posts), he is a Kenyan athletics fan. (If he were not the CEO of NMG may be he would be doing short sports pieces for the “nation”)

The guy has achieved so much in his 44 years and is an inspiration to many young Kenyans. We need so many like him in positions of leadership. The wazees who cannot differentiate a computer monitor from a TV, a piano from a computer keyboard need to go home now and in comes the bloggers!

I wish him all the best in his fight to free the media and I hope he never gives up.

I was watching NTV news yesterday @ 9pm and a particular piece struck me. There were three wrapped babies (fetus) found dumped somewhere in Murang’a after an abortion carried out elsewhere. The fetuses were dumped at night and as usual, the police boss for that area said his boys were investigating the unfortunate incident. Then the reporter asked His Eminence Cardinal Njue – a man I respect a lot for his achievements and what he stands for what he felt about abortion, to which he replied,

“No one has authority over that life……blah, blah”

I know he was looking at it from a purely religious point and looking at it differently I do not agree with him on this one just as I did not agree with his predecessor Mwana a Nzeki on so many issues – especially on the use of contraceptives like condoms.

See, there is a misconception with these men of the cloth that life begins at conception, i.e. when the two gametes (sperm and the ovum) meets and fertilize to form an embryo. If life begins then, does it mean that the said gametes were dead before? If you believe the answer is yes; how and where did two dead organisms ever come together to form something living? Going by this, I have every reason to believe all the gametes must be living even before they met.

If I remember what I learnt well, the sperms use the Darwin evolution theory -survival for the fittest. i.e. the predominant one gets to fertilize the egg. What happens to the millions that do no make it? They of course die after 3 to 4 days. Who takes account of these “lives”?. The same scenario also plays itself during the recurring menstrual cycle in women where “lives” get lost and no one complains. That then means that we are all mass murderers!

Apparently, there is a bill in parliament that seeks to address reproductive issues abortion being one of them. As the Njoki Ndung’u sexual offenses bill did, this one will bring forth an interesting national debate with the pro and anti abortionists trying to prove their points over the media. Whatever decisions the MP’s make,I have a feeling that women should have the right to control their fertility and have a choice to either carry on a pregnancy or terminate it at will by provision of safe and legal abortion.

AOB:
Christmas finally is gone. With it went many goats, chickens, cows, and lot of cash. The year that is will remain etched in many; a Kenyan memory is finally gone. My hope is that the current global recession occasioned by the financial crisis stabilizes and that what happened to Kenya a time like this last year this never to happen again.

Have a blessed 2009!